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China Elevator Stories
Inside the Mind of a Stalker: My Experience with Narcissism and Erotomania
Technology has made it easier for stalkers to pursue victims, including complete strangers who don’t even know your name.
04/11/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
People who suffer from erotomania and narcissism usually have a kind of “blindness” when it comes to other people’s choices and rights.
People who behave normally and understand another person’s rights—as well as the concept of privacy—know that both must freely decide to be with each other. When one person says no to dating, being in a relationship, or having sex, the other person has no right to impose their will on them.
A narcissist suffering from erotomania may simply sit down opposite you in a café, proclaim himself the most attractive person on earth (including for you), and insist that you have no right to reject him. He may declare that you are in love with him, that you want him, and he may go to great lengths to get your attention.
I once dealt with such a stalker in Vienna, when I went to a nearby bakery to get some translation work done—translating all the messages I had collected from my ex-husband and me to send to my lawyers, who would then choose which ones to use in court.
The first day I saw this man, I didn’t think he sat down next to me to get my attention. He carried an air of arrogance, treated the waitress as though she were his personal servant, and acted as horrifically as you’d imagine an extreme narcissist would treat anyone he considered beneath him.
He clearly revolved only around himself, and I tend to stay away from such people since they disregard others’ likes, dislikes, and interests.
The next time I saw him, he had followed me to the nearest bus station. I realized he was circling around me like a helicopter and had already figured out where I was going and when I was arriving at the bakery. He began showing up only minutes after I did, repeating the same behavior as before—sitting right next to or opposite me, taking up all the space, making himself seem important, and acting in a way that made it impossible for me not to look at him. Some narcissists are simply blind to what appropriate social behavior looks like.
He wasn’t my type of man. He seemed like a creep with a computer, and I had already seen how horribly he treated the waitress—which, to me, is always a good indicator of narcissism.
After realizing he was stalking me, I started taking different routes home (which is always recommended when a stalker tries to find out where you live) and changed bakeries.
When I began going to another bakery, it didn’t even take two visits before he appeared again. I had no idea how he had managed to find out where I was, but I suspected he had tracked my location or hacked into my phone. The thought that a stranger could locate me even after I had changed places was shocking. I couldn’t think of another explanation for how he found me other than digital stalking.
Again, he sat at a table opposite me, holding a book as if he knew I was writing content online or had a story published in an anthology. He didn’t seem like the type of person who actually enjoyed reading—more like someone pretending it was his hobby to catch my attention.
He made sure I saw that he was “reading,” holding the book in such a way that I could clearly see the title, so that I would then “fall in love with him” because he was reading such a terrific book. He wanted to portray himself as intellectual or educated. His complete lack of understanding about how to approach a woman respectfully already showed that he couldn’t read social cues—for example, me getting up and leaving every time he showed up. I eventually decided to leave and take a bus in the opposite direction of my home, and from then on, I chose to finish my work from home instead of going to a bakery.
After I realized this particular man was stalking me, he eventually left me alone—but I still took precautions, such as recording videos whenever he appeared nearby. In the end, I had to stop going to bakeries altogether because he would show up wherever I went, constantly demanding attention.
If you’ve ever had a stalker, you’ll recognize the signs earlier and earlier with each experience—especially if you’ve had so many that you can practically identify them blindfolded.
Sometimes, I simply go up to a man and ask him to stop stalking me. But with certain men, I am more cautious—especially if they seem dangerous or unlikely to stop easily. It can be difficult to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with, but a man who can’t read social signals usually falls into this category. I’ve experienced situations where such men escalate or become threatening if confronted.
Depending on the situation, you might also inform others that someone is stalking you—though it depends on who’s around. In Austria, I’ve found that many people don’t take such situations seriously, so you have to be careful about whom you trust with that information.
A complete stranger who acts in an extreme way even though you’ve given no indication of interest, and who ignores the signals that you’re not interested and don’t want his attention (and who expects you to revolve around him instead), can be very dangerous to confront directly. In extreme cases—for example, if he starts groping you or doing something similar—yelling “Leave me alone!” loud enough for others to hear may make him back off if people are nearby. But if it hasn’t escalated that far, you may have to choose whatever option feels safest for you in that moment.
Many narcissists react violently when you set boundaries—especially those who fall into the category of “rejected stalkers,” who retaliate when rejected by a woman. Some stalkers may escalate their behavior when you set verbal boundaries or may simply become more secretive about it. For that reason, sometimes staying silent and quietly leaving a café or bakery without drawing attention is the safer choice.
Being around other people is generally safer than being alone, but make sure the stalker can’t easily approach you, even in public.
In my case, he was oblivious to the fact that other people were around me. Although I left, I made sure he wouldn’t cross my path while I was walking alone.
This particular stalker must have obtained my private information either from a device I used at the bakery or through payment data, such as who paid with their bank card. That kind of information can be accessed through the dark net, so it’s important to be aware that someone who knows how to use it—or who can identify your device on public Wi-Fi—might be able to find out your name, address, or other private details.
Don’t blame yourself for using the bakery’s Wi-Fi, even if you used a VPN; some people can still bypass those protections. This man certainly did. I believe he was able to install spyware remotely on my phone to track my location in real time, since he always appeared a few minutes after I arrived at the bakery. It’s frightening, but technology has become so advanced that keeping your information private and preventing a stalker from identifying you can be almost impossible.
Those who aren’t as tech-savvy may not hack into your phone as quickly, but they may still stalk you physically when you’re outside. Others who are more experienced with technology can access your information even without touching your phone or knowing your name.
True stalkers usually target more than one person. When you realize a man is stalking you, it’s likely not his first time. Be prepared—many stalkers are skilled with technology and use it to track women. Anyone who tells you otherwise isn’t aware of how advanced such methods have become. Please don’t believe those who say it isn’t possible, because I am living proof that it is.
Have you ever been stalked by a stranger?