articles
China Elevator Stories
When Curiosity Meets Culture: My Encounters with Men Abroad
Not every man of every culture is the same, but some men act differently from others when first dating.
01/11/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
The first time I met him, he was standing really close to me, flirting with me, and not keeping the appropriate distance—his face was so close, it seemed like he would kiss me at any moment. I kept my observation to myself. Later, when I asked him, he didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend—I needed to play a game on him to get this information from him. We met up a few more times; he was German and a teacher at my university in Tai’an, and, as I would later discover, five years younger than me. We enjoyed chatting about God and the world and spent a few nights in Tai’an going to bars or restaurants.
It was soon time to say goodbye since his time in Tai’an came to an end, and the game I played was intended to discover the truth about him having a girlfriend—I believed he had one, but since he was giving off mixed signals and I certainly didn’t want to be used by a man as an affair or something similar, I tried to get this information he wasn’t giving away freely by playing a small trick on him (I won’t mention the details here, but know that there are ways to get this information if a man is keeping it to himself and is playing a game with you, meaning you need the information to discern what’s really going on).
In the end, he told me he had a Chinese girlfriend he was living with in Germany and that they had an on-and-off relationship. He was currently helping her with visa issues and was busy and couldn’t write much (after playing the game on him, he never contacted me again, which I prefer to being played games on).
He also explained that he was only into Chinese women and had thought I was only into Chinese guys, since I had mentioned I had been married to a Chinese man. Whoa! Okay, so that’s how I come across, lol!
So, just as an explanation: the reasons an Austrian woman once dated Chinese men and later married one may have been because she was intrigued by them being much more gentleman-like than Austrian men—men offering to take you out, carry your bag, and protect you, simply being more careful with regard to women (in the initial stages of dating, though you may certainly also find the opposite in China).
When I had first started dating my ex-husband, I could be at ease. We had talked about the relationship, about being committed to one another, and he showed he cared (at least in the beginning). Later, this turned into an abusive relationship, and that’s another story, but in the beginning, he was kind, generous, and protective (which, as a woman who is frequently harassed, can be such a blessing). Certainly, protective can turn to jealous, but his jealousy wasn’t too bad initially; it became worse later.
Otherwise, there were many boundaries he initially respected, which I found was a blessing as well. My Austrian ex-boyfriend had completely made me swear off Austrian men. The ones I have met often are self-absorbed, not gentleman-like, and those who live in cities often don’t truly commit to a woman or to a relationship. Commitment was the main reason I was dating in China, as well as Chinese men simply being in the country—so why not date the ones who had interest and were single? I also came across men who told me they would break up with their girlfriend to get me into bed, then didn’t break up, and others who weren’t honest about their true intentions but were trying to use me for something. Now, you can come across these kinds of men in any country and culture; they are not particular to China. But in China, as a Western woman, some may see you as a free bank account. That’s simply how it is, though not every Chinese man you meet will treat you like this.
So no, I do not have a Chinese men fetish or anything like that. I am also not into Chinese men anymore after the horrific experience I had with one, and truly, in Siping, men follow quite patriarchal ideas, and I haven’t seen any particular man I found attractive enough for me to consider dating. I am picky enough when it comes to looks and won’t just date anyone, but I am also particular about the intelligence a man must possess, the social behavior he must have, the kindness he has to prove in action, and that he needs to be mentally healthy. These men—well, if you spot such a man in Vienna, let me know, since I didn’t. You can save yourself the hassle, and yes, I truly believe that looking for somebody who matches in certain regards rather than just taking anyone will make your life so much easier. Oh, and he also needs to respect my boundaries, which is a biggie and the reason why I have flushed most men out of my life rather sooner than later (I mean, if any man who crosses your path is a malignant narcissist who then starts to stalk and harass you, you’ll know just how high the number of malignant narcissists is). I also ended contact with a Chinese man who was married to a German woman who asked for my contact and then became a bit too flirty. I experienced my ex having affairs with young women, and he followed just the same pattern. In the past, I would allow people to trample my boundaries much more than I do now, but these days, it is one wrong behavior once, and you’ll be flushed out of my life. I’m not going to compromise the little time I have on earth for someone who doesn’t meet my standards (or the standards of any woman who has certain standards).
I interviewed Nicole Webb, the author of China Blonde, a while ago on my blog, and in the interview, she also mentioned having had a few bad dates, and that was the exact experience I had (in contrast to her without Mr. Right showing up, but a few men showing up who were quite flawed yet thought they amounted to something so superior that any woman walking the planet would date them—call it a monkey brain thinking it has a human brain, though some monkeys may be more intelligent than human beings who think like this). A man also needs to take care of himself and not expect a woman to do the caretaking. And let’s not even get into those who think they’re entitled to throw tantrums, whine, use emotional blackmail, refuse to accept the end of a relationship, flaunt other women, talk incessantly, shout, scream, degrade, or intimidate. Sadly, I’ve encountered this kind of behavior from some German men. In particular, I know two German men who seem to have no idea what normal social behavior looks like or how to treat a woman respectfully—one of them even a famous singer, who you’d think would have enough common sense to behave better, but doesn’t.
When you watch certain German TV shows, you’ll see how bad the social behavior is. It is uncommon to see people talk to each other quietly, allowing others to speak to the end, and it is much more common for people to start a screaming match on TV—putting others down, degrading them, not letting them have their own opinion, not allowing others to quietly think before speaking, etc. Well, once you spot these signs, you’ll know these people are completely incapable of communicating in a respectful, healthy kind of way.
Now, Asian fetish certainly exists among both Western men and women, but I believe it’s more common among Western men in China. This is yet another reason why Western women often avoid dating Western men there—because you don’t want to be with someone who constantly reminds you that you have less value than your Asian female counterparts, or who makes you feel incapable of meeting his standards of beauty, behavior, or whatever else he idealizes in Chinese women. (This was also what my ex-husband did—constantly comparing me negatively to Chinese women.) It happens on a daily, hourly, or even minute-by-minute basis.
In my case, I wasn’t suffering from an Asian fetish. I had simply been in a long-term relationship with an Austrian man who wouldn’t truly commit, didn’t take responsibility, and wasn’t good at communicating. I asked him to stop communicating in a childish way with me, but he refused. He wasn’t entirely bad or flawed, but the relationship had become extremely boring. We barely talked, he didn’t respect my boundaries, ignored me when I was suffering from a severe and life-threatening illness, and the relationship simply wasn’t meant to continue.
He also violated my sexual boundaries and drank lots of alcohol every day, as well as smoked weed—both habits I dislike in a man. Toward the end of our relationship (the last year or two), he stopped making time for me, didn’t make me feel special or valued, and lied about certain things, including cheating. He also wasn’t interested in spending time on shared hobbies. I grew tired of constantly smelling alcohol on his breath—something especially hard to tolerate if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), or simply someone who prefers a partner who takes better care of himself.
Have you ever experienced something similar?