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China Elevator Stories
Legitimate vs. Unnecessary Blame
How does legitimate blame differ from unnecessary blame?
27/08/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
When I was stalked by a sociopath who interfered with my life in horrific ways — constantly sabotaging my ability to earn a living or live in peace without his stalking, harassment, surveillance, and interference—I asked a singer, who had forced me into a false relationship, to help.
But being a narcissist, selfish as could be, and never considering anyone else’s needs, he did not help. What he did instead I would never call help. His actions were designed only to keep himself in my life, while the stalker continued his torment.
Instead of helping the victim, he turned against her and helped the perpetrator. When I pointed out his behavior, he made me the scapegoat and the constant punching bag. In the end, he joined forces with the sociopathic stalker (whom he knew), and together they stalked me, put me down, sabotaged my work, and made my life unbearable in countless ways.
This, by the way, is called gang stalking. If you’ve ever been stalked by a single person, you’ll know how horrific and dangerous it is—and being stalked by a group of people is far worse. Gang stalking is much more common than one might think, and I have experienced it several times over the course of my life, not just once.
Pointing out the truth, or naming where fault lies, is never wrong. But being blamed when you are not to blame is scapegoating. Pointing out a problem may simply be an attempt to solve it.
A person without conscience—such as a petty narcissist—does not work for the higher good. He thinks only of what he wants and needs, with no care for the harm and destruction this causes in the victim’s life.
When I told him he had to “man up” and do his share if he wished to remain in my life, he did nothing. Too passive, lacking courage, he simply let the situation spiral out of control. He pretended he did not need to contribute at all, as if he were superior and I should bow down, accept his abuse, endure his treatment, and never ask for help.
But only real help is help. False, self-serving “help” that only deepens catastrophe or increases risk is not help at all. It is anti-help—painted to look like help but designed to keep the victim dependent, while never improving her life.
When I refused to accept his anti-help, he punished me. He censored me, condemned me for asking, and tried to silence me for rejecting what was never help in the first place. He sat passively, expecting me to carry his responsibilities, while joining with the stalker to destroy my life.
Why has asking for help become so difficult? Perhaps because we live in egotistical times, where those in need are blamed instead of supported. Yet it is human to need others. None of us can solve everything alone.
What is inhuman is scapegoating a victim already trapped in a severe situation — one that may be impossible to escape alone. Instead of offering help, some turn on her and blame her for the stalking, or for setting healthy boundaries against people who demand attention, drain resources, and expect to be given everything.
When I told him he had to help, he treated it as a cardinal sin. He smeared me, spread lies, punished me through revenge, and demanded to be included in all of my work while contributing nothing. He wanted to control my projects, dictate my tasks, and when I said no, he hacked into my accounts to block me from completing my work.
He interfered with my colleagues, prevented emails from reaching them, and when I confronted him, I received only more blame, more hatred, more revenge.
This is the kind of man who smears and retaliates when told the truth: that he does nothing, contributes nothing, and only takes. He forced me to endure endless, meaningless talk about “relationships”—word salad without sense, a narcissistic theatre that showed how little he cared about others’ needs for rest and peace.
Blame, when rightly assigned, is not wrong. It is fair to blame someone for abuse, for endangering your life, or for ignoring your boundaries. Such blame asks for change. But unnecessary blame is different—it falls on the innocent, on those who did not cause and could not prevent the harm, as when a victim is blamed for being stalked.
Unnecessary blame often arises from misunderstanding, frustration, or the desire to find someone to blame. In the hands of a narcissist, it becomes daily torment: projection, gaslighting, denial of truth. When you point out their flaws, they blame you for daring to speak.
When someone acts with kindness, respect, and regard for boundaries, I rarely need to ask them to leave my life. But when a person brings only destruction, when they worsen a situation already life-threatening, I will ask them to go, close the door behind them, and never return.
Features of unnecessary blame are:
- Misattribution: assigning fault to the wrong person.
- Exaggeration: blaming someone for more than their role.
- Projection: directing frustration at an innocent target.
- Unfairness: demanding the impossible.
Examples:
- A customer blaming a cashier for store policies.
- A team leader blaming one member for delays caused by lack of resources.
- A child punished for an unavoidable accident.
What I am most weary of is this: being blamed, day after day, by this singer. Being made the scapegoat, the punching bag, blamed for the wrongdoing of others, punished simply for being a woman who refuses to accept harassment and degradation. He never takes responsibility; it is always someone else’s fault. That is narcissism.
If you too have been blamed for things you did not do, know this: you are not alone. I know what it is to live beneath another’s moods, lies, and smear campaigns, while they wear a polished mask in public. I know what it is to be silenced, disbelieved, and scapegoated.
Unnecessary blame isolates, wounds, and punishes the innocent. It is one of the cruelest forms of abuse if a victim has been raped, stalked, or otherwise experienced traumatic life experiences.
The singer’s behavior is consistent with what I have experienced from many men of my generation. I grew up with a father who was masculine enough to carry his own load and responsibilities—what you could truly call a masculine man. Therefore, I do not accept anything less than that from a man.
The high number of effeminate men in my generation is overburdening women with responsibilities they should not—and cannot—be expected to carry.
The difference between true masculinity and the effeminate man can be described as follows:
True Masculinity
True masculinity is not about dominance or control, but about strength, responsibility, and integrity. A masculine man will naturally act in the following ways:
- Courage & responsibility: He faces challenges head-on. If there is a problem, he seeks to solve it instead of avoiding it. He doesn’t push his burdens onto others, but carries what is his to carry.
- Protection: He uses his strength (physical, emotional, or moral) to safeguard others, especially those more vulnerable. He does not stand by passively when someone is harmed.
- Integrity & truth: His words and actions align. He admits mistakes, takes blame when it’s truly his, and strives to do better.
- Leadership with service: He leads by example, not through ego or manipulation. True leadership means guiding while uplifting others, not using them.
- Emotional strength: He doesn’t repress all feelings, but he has self-control. He expresses love, care, and even sorrow, without letting moods control or punish others.
- Commitment & reliability: When he gives his word, he stands by it. He is dependable, steady, and present.
- A truly masculine man balances strength with gentleness, authority with humility, and freedom with responsibility. His presence makes others feel safer, not more endangered.
The Effeminate Man
By “effeminate,” I don’t mean simply gentle, sensitive, or artistic (those can be strengths). Rather, effeminacy in this sense is when a man avoids responsibility and courage, leaning into passivity, dependency, or manipulation instead of mature masculinity.
An effeminate man might:
- Avoid responsibility: He waits for others to solve problems, makes excuses, or shifts burdens onto others (often onto women).
- Passivity: He sees something wrong but does nothing, preferring comfort over confrontation.
- Self-serving behavior: Instead of protecting others, he seeks to be taken care of. He may drain resources, time, or energy from others without giving back.
- Emotional immaturity: Instead of self-control, he uses sulking, blame, or gossip to manage conflict. He may punish others with silence, moodiness, or constant complaining.
- Dependency: He wants access to another person’s achievements, projects, or resources, but contributes little or nothing.
- Superiority complex: Ironically, while refusing responsibility, he may still demand recognition, obedience, or admiration—expecting others to bow down without him having earned it.
Comparison in Action
In Crisis:
- Masculine man: Steps up, protects, finds solutions, even at personal cost.
- Effeminate man: Freezes, avoids, blames others, or waits to be rescued.
In Relationships:
- Masculine man: Contributes equally or more, honors boundaries, seeks growth and truth.
- Effeminate man: Takes without giving, disrespects boundaries, plays emotional games.
With Blame & Fault:
- Masculine man: Owns mistakes, apologizes, corrects course.
- Effeminate man: Deflects, scapegoats, projects blame onto the innocent.
With Strength:
- Masculine man: Uses strength to build and protect.
- Effeminate man: Misuses cleverness to manipulate, or hides behind weakness as an excuse to avoid action.
Have you ever been blamed unfairly?