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What is Erotomania and Why is it such a huge Problem?
Erotomania is a problem for women who are frequently harassed by men who suffer from it.
28/08/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
Erotomania is the belief of a person that you are in love with them. Often, this happens even in relationships, or when you know a person somewhat and were dating—or thought you were dating.
Which kind of people are prone to suffer from erotomania? Quite bluntly, I have experienced it with two incels, who act similarly and both follow the same patterns.
When they want to be with a woman—without ever actually being able to have a true, honest relationship with anyone (they are too lazy to do the real work, but have no problem stalking and harassing women)—they may use extreme means to make sure she tells them she’s into them, even when she isn’t.
This aligns with a superiority complex many narcissists suffer from, where you, as the woman, are forced into a position where you are “lower” than them—so low that you must constantly tell them how great they are, how good looking they are, and how much you are into them.
This is more a façade than anything else, and you are forced to maintain a mask for them. This is not about naturally being drawn to a person or loving them for who they truly are. Since they aren’t lovable to begin with, these people are often highly abusive, and many rapists join these groups—whining about how bad and evil women are for rejecting them, sometimes after women have been treated horrifically by these men, other times after being abused and raped by these antisocial men.
When a normal man would simply accept your “no, I don’t like you,” “no, I find you unattractive,” or “you aren’t on my level with regards to intelligence,” an incel may constantly deny the truth, gaslighting you into accepting how “dumb” you are because you are a woman (so the story goes in these groups, that you are not intelligent because you are a woman, and that they were born with superior intelligence because they are men).
When you reject their false narrative about women and yourself, they may escalate the gaslighting and become severely aggressive and disrespectful. They may grope you, harass you with constant talk about their ex-girlfriends who were supposedly superior and treated them better, and paint a paranoid picture of you as a human being—casting you as the narcissist and treating you cruelly, as though you have no feelings, needs, wishes, opinions, or rights.
They push you into a role where you must wear a mask as well. The truth is simply not allowed to be stated, and you must constantly speak positively about them or face attacks. They may become violent, and you are forced to pretend they are, for example, a superior singer whose talent no one is allowed to critique.
One singer—I mean, he’s pretty famous—but his recent work, such as the videos he puts out on YouTube where he drinks and talks narcissistic word salad without saying anything of substance (which mirrors how he speaks in real life), simply does not match the level of professionalism expected from a singer of that fame. His recent album, for instance, I think is bad, and his voice sounds unpleasant. He constantly tries to force me to tell him he is attractive and better looking than anyone else, but I am simply disgusted by a man who only talks about superficial topics, is in denial about his looks, and revolves entirely around himself.
As a woman, you will not receive genuine compliments. Instead, you’ll hear him talk incessantly about past affairs or other women, with no reciprocal or respectful conversation. When you tell him you are bored and did not consent to speaking, he escalates his verbal abuse, creates drama, and drags gossip into your life.
I am naturally not interested in “over-talking,” which is what these men do. There is never any time to rest or just be quiet—you’ll be punished horrifically if you try—and your right to be left alone is never acknowledged. Topics are shallow, unending, and often distorted from reality.
If you ask for space, he won’t stop but will pretend you are sick or overreacting for requesting time alone to process your own priorities. This kind of behavior prevents you from living in the present and simply being. He constantly drags up topics from the past, making you relive criticism and comparisons to other women every morning. I do not want to hear from him at all, nor be contacted by him.
There is constant verbal abuse and raging. Point this out, and you’ll face whining, guilt-tripping, and manipulation so he won’t leave your mental space. He also wants to brainwash your opinions to eliminate your boundaries.
People like that are not worth staying around. They lack intelligence, conversations circle around unimportant topics, and you must make them the center of attention. When you don’t, they create catastrophes you must tend to, instead of focusing on your own needs.
If you are grown-up, you must understand social rules. This person forces me to repeat myself, ignoring every word I say—it’s as if I said nothing at all.
If you believe incels are rare, you are mistaken. They are everywhere, at least in countries such as Austria and Germany (though many hide their inceldom, and you often won’t know until you are repeatedly attacked by men for being a woman, a mother, or other traits that incels target). Ask a man to leave an incel group, and he’ll pretend you’re asking him to take his own life—such is the cult-like nature of these groups and the Stockholm syndrome their members develop.
The scale of the incel problem is evident in the UK, where the Prime Minister has addressed it:
“At the time of writing, newly appointed British Prime Minister Keir Starmer has declared violence against women and girls a national emergency. A recent National Police Chiefs’ Council report estimates that approximately two million women and girls in the United Kingdom alone are subjected to male-perpetrated violence yearly, illustrating the severity of this problem, despite its recent recognition as urgent. A tragic example is Elianne Andam, a 15-year-old girl fatally stabbed by a 17-year-old boy in September 2023, after rejecting his romantic advances. This raises the question: why did this romantic rejection provoke such a violent response, culminating in the loss of a young girl’s life? This prompts an urgent inquiry into potential underlying factors that may explain such an extreme reaction, in an effort towards preventing further tragedies.
It is essential to consider the current climate of misogyny. In 2022, Andrew Tate, a social media personality known for promoting a lifestyle centered around hypermasculinity, luxury, and control over women, gained widespread attention. His controversial, far-right views on women’s subjugation and toxic masculinity have circulated widely across mainstream media. Tate positions himself as a solution for young men who feel they have failed to achieve ‘true’ masculinity, offering online courses claiming to teach traditional masculinity, ‘stoicism’ and paths to wealth. Though, his teachings arguably promote the domination of women rather than stoicism. Despite multiple arrests for rape and sex trafficking, Tate remains influential, particularly among young males.”
After the singer I wrote about joined certain incel groups, someone reinforced his belief about me that I am the problem, not him. With any abuser or rapist, this certainly is not the truth. When a man doesn’t respect any boundary you set, including sexual boundaries, know that it is best to go no contact to keep yourself safe. These men often also suffer from other disorders, such as personality disorders, sociopathy, schizophrenia and the like.
This person hasn’t only raped me, but also other ex-girlfriends—two of whom have mentioned having been raped. This shows a pattern, not just a coincidence. He does this with any woman he is with long-term, even when the relationship is a faux relationship rather than a real one. He is incapable of having an actual relationship with anyone, instead gaslighting women to pretend they are in a true relationship, when this could not be further from the truth. If you have ever had a real relationship, you’ll know the difference.
Being an incel, he also believes a woman has no right to be single and will not allow a woman to separate from him. He constantly tells you that you aren’t allowed to separate from him, that you aren’t allowed to be single, and he will punish you horrifically if you even consider being independent. This demonstrates an utter inability to perceive another person, her wants and needs, and her rights. Being with a man is considered a woman’s decision, yet he constantly dictates what you feel and think—which is often not what you truly feel or think. He insists that you are with him, that you are into him, that you cannot live without him, and makes other egregious statements that sound extremely offensive to any sensible ear.
These people believe that a woman who is single is on such a low level that she cannot attract any man and that there is something inherently wrong with her for being single. They ignore the fact that a woman may choose to be single because all the men she has encountered in recent years who were romantically interested in her were malignant narcissists (yes, these are extremely common). Personally, I simply enjoy being single and living my life alone, without constantly being commanded around by a man who thinks he is above everyone else, never needs to lift a finger, and can simply boss people around—shouting commands at women who are then expected to follow them unquestioningly.
I have met plenty of these men and know many women who have as well, so this is not a single occurrence; it happens so often that it cannot be ignored.
Also, I simply enjoy being single. I mean, there’s certainly nothing wrong with that, and it doesn’t mean a woman isn’t attractive, beautiful, or lovable. It simply means she isn’t codependent and enjoys her own company—mostly more than the company of malignant narcissists, who are constantly negative, blame others, and waste all your time as though they have the right to control it.
When I am single, I can simply do whatever I want, whenever I want, and no one comments on it, judges me negatively, tries to stop me, gets jealous when a man speaks with me, or creates any other kind of drama I am not interested in. I enjoy my own company, so not having to constantly listen to a man who cannot keep his mouth shut for even a second is truly a blessing. I don’t accept anything less than being left alone when I ask to be, since this is my birthright. These are usually men who are verbally abusive anyway, so why listen to them when all they do all day is shout ugly slurs at you?
I am saying this after years of constantly being harassed as a woman and an introvert, and I know my rights. Since the singer still claims I am too dumb to know what I have a right to experience in my life and what I have a right to stop or not allow, don’t tell me otherwise. By projecting onto me that I am too dumb to know my rights and what I am obliged—or not obliged—to accept, you are only proving how incredibly unintelligent you are.
Have you ever been harassed by incels?