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China Elevator Stories
Having Your Identity and Life Stolen by a Narcissist
Some of the most horrific experiences any person can go through are having their identity and life taken over by someone else.
09/08/2025
Ruth Silbermayr
Author
The Most Pathological Narcissists: Those Who Try to Live Your Life as You
The most pathological narcissists are those who enter your life not merely to influence it, but to inhabit it—living as though they were you. In psychology, this can overlap with identity theft, identity disturbance, or pathological enmeshment, often tied to Cluster B personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy), and in some cases psychopathy.
These people rarely announce themselves loudly at first. They may slip into your life quietly, appearing harmless or even supportive. But they all share one defining trait: an incessant and invasive curiosity about your private life. They want to know everything—intimate details about your relationships, finances, habits, and history—yet they share little or nothing about themselves. This asymmetry is a key red flag in exploitative relationships: it allows them to collect material to use later, while keeping their own vulnerabilities hidden.
How They Gain Access
At first, you may not realize who you’re dealing with. Many of these individuals are socially adept enough to hide their true motives. Over time, though, you’ll often notice a creeping unease around them. This is not irrational—it’s your nervous system picking up on subtle violations of personal boundaries. Neuroscience calls this limbic resonance: your body senses danger or manipulation before your conscious mind fully registers it.
Some are sociopathic, others psychopathic, but this behavior is not tied to only one disorder. In my own experience, it is especially common among sociopaths, who often disregard social rules entirely and see no moral problem with appropriating another person’s identity, relationships, or life achievements.
And let me be clear—this is not a gender-specific problem. While some assume women are more likely to behave this way, I have encountered just as many men who do it. I have experienced it both with my ex–mother-in-law—who behaved as though she were me—and with so-called “celebrity stalkers,” men who initially expressed sexual or romantic interest but ultimately sought to take over my life.
The Illusion of Value
Ironically, if you have a malignant narcissist in your life, you may feel your life is not even worth stealing—yet they will still target you. Malignant narcissists are after your resources—whether those are emotional, social, financial, or reputational. Love-bombing (lavish praise, gifts, or attention) is simply a manipulation tactic with an ulterior motive.
If you are empathic or highly sensitive, you may feel their motives in your body before you can logically explain them. But it is important to be discerning. Not everyone who asks personal questions is predatory; healthy people will usually offer personal details in return, creating reciprocity and trust. Pathological narcissists rarely do.
Over time, these individuals may weaponize the information you’ve shared. Instead of treating your disclosures with respect and confidentiality, they will share them with others, distort them, or use them to undermine your credibility.
For example, if you confide a vulnerability—such as being introverted—they may later portray you as weak or socially incompetent. If you request help, they may refuse and frame you as “playing the victim,” even when you are a genuine victim in need of support.
They may also portray themselves as being of extreme value in your life, insisting that you recognize their importance. Often, however, they secretly feel worthless but attempt to compel others to view them as superior and deserving of great respect. Narcissists frequently invert reality: those who hold genuine authority are depicted as ignorant, inexperienced, or unintelligent, while they present themselves as authorities where they are not. They portray themselves as capable of living a meaningful life, despite spending their days in a shallow, meaningless existence, and then try to draw you into sharing that same emptiness.
When someone steals your identity and life, it usually entails the destruction of the meaning in your life, leaving you feeling that your existence is dull, purposeless, and unbearable.
Subtle and Overt Identity Theft
Some of these narcissists adopt your hobbies, interests, and even your language patterns. If you once researched narcissism to understand your own experiences, they might suddenly become “experts” in the subject themselves—not out of genuine interest, but as part of mirroring you to gain trust or authority.
They may join your social circles by claiming shared passions (“I also love writing” or “I’m a big reader”), even when this is demonstrably untrue.
In social contexts, narcissists often poach relationships. While meeting new friends through existing friends is normal, narcissists approach this in an unnatural, socially awkward way, often showing poor interpersonal skills or a lack of understanding of social boundaries. Their ultimate goal is to isolate you by turning your friends against you.
The Smear Campaign
Once they feel threatened—especially if you have recognized their narcissism—they may launch a smear campaign. This involves portraying you as the narcissist to preemptively discredit you. Unfortunately, the first narrative people hear is often the one they believe.
Some narcissists are capable of short-term charm and generosity, which makes them harder to detect. Others may be empathic in certain contexts, using genuine emotional intelligence manipulatively.
The Role of Conscience and Sadism
One of the clearest indicators of malignant narcissism is the absence of a conscience. While everyone is capable of occasional selfishness, malignant narcissists consistently disregard the needs, rights, and safety of others. They may even display sadism—deriving pleasure from causing suffering—whether through verbal abuse, psychological torment, or physical acts.
Examples include preventing you from sleeping when you are ill, sabotaging your relationship with your children, or forcing you into public humiliation. This lack of empathy and moral restraint distinguishes malignant narcissists from merely self-centered people.
Projection and Narrative Control
These individuals often project their own traits onto you, claiming they “know you better than you know yourself.” If you go no-contact—a recommended strategy for dealing with severe narcissistic abuse—they may call you cruel, selfish, or mentally unstable.
Some will interrupt or speak over you constantly, reframing your words to fit their own narrative. Others will impersonate you in interactions with mutual contacts, spreading misinformation about your intentions and behavior.
In extreme cases, they will involve outside authorities—police, courts—simply because you have tried to go no contact with them, and they felt a need to assert dominance or intimidate you. This is sometimes linked to legal harassment, where the legal system is misused as a tool of control.
Copying Your Role
Pathological narcissists may literally take over your role in specific relationships. My ex–mother-in-law, for instance, began dressing like me, copying my activities with my children, and even replicating my holiday traditions—effectively replacing me in their lives.
Others may target your professional identity. They may undermine your competence, push you out of your work, and then present themselves as more qualified or experienced. Often, these people lack independent achievements and rely entirely on imitation.
Why They Do It
Many of these individuals have no independent identity. Psychologically, this can be linked to a fragile self-concept—a poorly developed sense of self that relies on external validation and imitation. Without their own strong personality, they survive by absorbing and replicating the traits, interests, and relationships of others.
They are usually extremely selfish, incapable of recognizing others as human beings with a right to autonomy and privacy, and are primarily takers. In most cases, they are intensely jealous and greedy. When their greed is combined with a lack of conscience, they will stop at nothing to obtain what does not belong to them—even if it means causing harm or death to an innocent person. For example, they may try to force you to replicate your relationship with your ex-husband, as you have described on your blog, or to engage in sexual relations with them similar to those you have had with other men—despite the fact that you are neither in love with them nor interested in such encounters. (None of these individuals are mentally sane human beings, trust me.)
For bloggers, even those who aren’t extremely famous, this can attract “celebrity stalkers” whose ultimate goal is to become famous through you.
If you encounter someone like this, take early warning signs seriously: invasive questioning, lack of reciprocal sharing, mirroring your interests too closely, undermining your relationships, and attempting to rewrite your personal or professional narrative.
Not every narcissist is malignant, but those who are will consistently show a lack of conscience, a willingness to cause harm, and a need to control how the story of your life unfolds—effectively ‘playing god’ by turning innocent people into criminals in order to escape accountability for their horrific abuse and behavior.
Some narcissists may even have found you online and targeted you by placing an advertisement or newsletter they knew you would later see or read—after infiltrating your computer or smartphone with spyware to read all your private messages and track which sites you visit or videos you watch. This would be completely invisible to you, and you might only find out accidentally—usually later—because some narcissists inadvertently reveal some information about what they were doing.
Some keep everything a secret, which means that unless you are spying on them, you won’t know what they are doing. I have never used spyware, but I have learned what is possible when someone uses it by having been a target for many years. Spyware can do much more than you might think. It is constantly evolving and is a tool abusers—particularly stalkers—enjoy using.
In my opinion, the implementation of privacy laws to uphold the right to privacy is humanity’s greatest achievement, and no one has the right to violate this right, regardless of what external authorities may say.
Have you ever had your identity or life stolen from you?