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China Elevator Stories

Signs Your Chinese Mother-In-Law Is a Narcissist

In this post, I am sharing a list of common behaviors exhibited by a narcissistic Chinese mother-in-law.

19/01/2025

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Ruth Silbermayr

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I have found that narcissism is common in my Chinese mother-in-law’s generation. There may be different signs that your Chinese mother-in-law is a narcissist, and usually, the way this manifests is the same as with a Western woman who is a narcissist. However, if you aren’t familiar with Chinese culture, you may think that certain behaviors are simply cultural, not narcissism.

Signs your Chinese mother-in-law may be a narcissist include:

  • She needs to be the center of attention.
  • She creates drama and conflict. She may try to break up your relationship, destroy your bond with your children, or cause other forms of discord.
  • She plays the victim. This can involve:
    – Telling your husband how bad you are and how poorly you treat her.
    – Pretending that you don’t tend to her needs sufficiently.
    – Claiming that you are the one causing problems when, in reality, she is.
    – Seeking preferential treatment, such as pretending she is “too old” for others to treat her a certain way. For example, she might say, “I’m too old; I need to spend time with my grandchildren every day because I may soon die,” effectively blocking you from spending time with your children.
  • She pretends to be too sick for others to exclude her or set boundaries with her (without actually being that sick) or too old for others to treat her a certain way.
  • She manipulates others and triangulates relationships behind your back.
  • She is two-faced. She treats you politely and respectfully when others are watching but behaves abysmally when no one else is around.
  • If she is particularly cruel, she may also treat you poorly even when others are present.
  • She dominates conversations. She won’t allow you to talk and will monopolize the conversation. If you do speak, she will redirect the attention back to herself.
  • She selectively takes photos. For instance, she might ask you to take pictures of her with her grandchildren but refuse to take pictures with you and your children if you ask her to.
  • She is in competition with you. She may try to take on the role of the mother of your children or the wife of your husband.
  • She disregards your needs. While she believes her own needs are legitimate, she may dismiss yours, even at your expense.
  • She lacks a stable identity. If she is overly co-dependent, she might use this as an excuse to insert herself into every aspect of your life. For example:
    – If your husband used to shop for clothes with you, she might demand he stop doing that and take her shopping instead.
    – If you and your husband share a car, she might force him to prioritize her use of it, even if you paid for it, and insist on driving her places instead of taking you anywhere.
    – If your children attend kindergarten, she might establish contact with their teachers and become the primary person they communicate with, effectively excluding you from those relationships.
  • She guilt-trips you or your husband. If she perceives that your husband loves you more than her, pays more attention to you, or enjoys spending time with you, she may guilt-trip him into prioritizing her instead. When you set healthy boundaries, she may accuse you of being a bad daughter-in-law, treating her poorly, or being disrespectful.
  • She isolates you and sabotages your relationships. She may work to isolate you from your friends, family, and even your children, either overtly or covertly. For example:
    – She might contact your friends, build relationships with them, and then triangulate them against you by speaking badly about you.
    – She might forbid you from meeting certain people, including family members.
    – She might ask about your relationships with certain people and then actively sabotage closer connections.
    – She may covertly ruin relationships, causing friends who previously treated you kindly to suddenly become distant and cold.
  • She is cruel, conscienceless, and selfish. She will do whatever is necessary to remove you from your husband’s and children’s lives. She doesn’t see anything wrong with denying others their rights or protecting themselves from her toxic influence or abuse. She may hit your children behind your back. In my case, this happened, and I only found out about it much later, when she couldn’t contain her jealousy in one instance. She hit my older son after he fell down and then shamed him for falling, accusing him of “not giving her face.”
  • She may retaliate against you for setting healthy boundaries by punishing your children or you. For instance, if your children show love toward you, she might try to damage your relationship with them.
  • She may initially appear polite, respectful, and nice, but her behavior may change over time. At first, she may seem generous and kind, leading you to believe you have a loving mother-in-law. However, as time goes on, she may become impolite, cruel, hateful, jealous or abusive towards you. This initial bonding can make it harder for you to recognize the toxicity, set boundaries, or leave the toxic relationship later.

Is there anything you would add to the list?

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